Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. But in the past when I didnt seem to agree with or be what maybe he wanted me to be, I would be met with sarcasm, rebukes, and verbal/sometimes physical abuse. I do feel guilty looking out for myself, especially since I did commit to this marriage, no matter how hesitant I was (as I am so often reminded). If the relationship has not come to the point that you feel thatliving with Aspergers spouse is impossible then there is help available. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them. People with autism spectrum disorders are no longer stigmatized in the medical community thanks to the therapeutic community. If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! Im here, right now in this beautiful tub with lavender smelling bubbles all around me. So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and I can honestly say that it has not always been easy. At any rate money is an all out war in our home. I wonder how many of those beautiful moments we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or regret? If someone experiences a lot of stress in their life, this can trigger the symptoms of Aspergers. Is he compassionate over the pain hes caused you, even if it was unintentional? Another reason is that they may have difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings. Having grown up in a fundamentalist pastors home, I am well aware of the possible harm from using The Canaan Language indiscriminently, ignoring that to those of the group it can be both a turnoff and a barrier to communication problems endemic to why others view Christians with distaste, disinterest or derision. Im curious, however, what is your husbands response to his diagnosis and the effect his limitations have on you? Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. We met in college and he was the only person who truly understood me. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. (I should have added that once the girlfriend becomes the wife, shes no longer the special interest. For me, I dont want to miss the beauty and goodness of the moment because Im not paying attention. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? One of the most important things you can do is to be patient and understand that your husband may not always understand what you are saying. And, as I just stayed right there in that moment, life was good. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? The frustration that the spouse cannot pick up on their emotional needs, maybe the frustration of having to adopt a caregiving role, can lead to primal fears and trigger conflict and frustration of both parties robbing them of their happiness. He is obsessed with counting our investments on a daily basis. Make sure you have a solid plan in place for yourself and your children. If I buy a new pair of curtains I didnt need them, if the dishwasher breaks its not really I am supposed to drain out the water with a cup, its not really broken I just want to spend money or my car is stalling on me making horrible sounds and it finally stalled on me and a wrecker had tow me to garage, I did something to tear it up because I said a FEW YEARS AGO I think it might be time to get a different vehicle! His dad spends a lot of time going over things so that they can be as aware as possible, not using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. No one believes me! There can be many reasons why my husband may have Aspergers. Im rand new to reali,ing that my husband may have aspergers. Even if I tell him i have a dying patient and can not talk he wont/cannot shut up. Its possible that they struggle with certain emotions, but they can still have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Little things can make a big difference in a marriage, and its common for husband and wife to find things that irritate one another. It wasnt until we got married that I realized how difficult life could be with someone with this condition. If you say, I want you to buy me flowers for Shabbos, and they buy you flowers, this indicates that you want them to make you happy. I am an award winning Scottish stand up comedian. Several years ago, Miriams son was diagnosed with autism. His response: Oh dont worry I wont talk long. Another benefit is that I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. Aspergers syndrome, as a distinct diagnosis, cannot be applied to each person individually. He was not diagnosed until after we were married. Marriage Counseling vs. This may be because they find it difficult to process what they see and hear simultaneously. I have tried to subscribe. I am planning a divorce. He also might take things literally and get offended when someone says something sarcastic or makes a joke about him, without understanding the humor behind it. When it seemed like things overall were not changing, and I was constantly disappointed that he didnt seem to be responding to what I thought were simple pleas for what might help me be able to function better in the relationship, I still clung on but now for very selfish reasons (fear of leaving, not wanting to lose a home). And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. This can make , 5 Tips For Men With Aspergers To Express Their Feelings And Affection, The Importance Of Routines For People With Aspergers, Interacting With A Child Who Has Aspergers Syndrome, Aspergers Therapists: Unfamiliar And Inexperienced, The Higher Rate Of Aspergers Syndrome In Men, The Early Signs Of Asperger Syndrome In Babies, Homeschooling An Aspergers Child: Tips For Success, Aspergers Syndrome: The Condition On The Autism Spectrum, How To Balance Your Checkbook In A Few Easy Steps, 4 Tips For Minimizing Homework Time For Students With Aspergers. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. Trust my partner. But sometimes the decision to end your marriage is clear. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. There are many different types of relationships that people with Aspergers Syndrome can have. Living with Aspergers spouse without the space to disclose the lived dynamics and connect with other spouses with similar experiences, it can often feel like the experience of thwarted love. He is a good father and the kids love him. NO! It really varies from person to person. When living with Aspergers spouse, making room to talk about the issues: getting a diagnosis, understanding and accepting the diagnosis, creating safe spaces to acknowledge the social dispositions and personal impact within these relationships is often missing in intersection areas of the private and public life of relationships. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. This will help him understand where you are coming from and may make it easier for him to let go of the relationship. Seek professional help if necessary in order to make the best decision for yourself. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. What an epiphany and learning curve its been! As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. key word there willing. Then Im asked to identify palm trees, not enough again.Then it was motorcycles. Get out of your mind. He minimizes that. Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. feeling lonely and unsafe within the marriage. They may lack the intuitive inner context to even understand what a relationship IS, what its for, or why they would want it. I do not know if there is a way out of this mess for me? Or worst case, does he use it as an excuse to be cruel and harsh towards you? The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. Being a workaholic is often an ASD hallmark. When their partner complains, they might take that to mean that their partner doesnt understand their pressures or that theyre getting in the way. But you too have a part to play here. But I can right now, be grateful for the relaxing warm water I get to soak in. They are also very smart, so they often have a lot of thoughts to share. For my husband, if anyone touches his arm while talking with him, he will flinch away and seems annoyed at first. It used to be called Cassandra Phenomena but has recently been relabeled Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). It fits 100 percent. A marriage or other long-term relationship can only succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into it. 25 Tips for How to Deal With a Narcissist, 6 Challenges of Second Marriages and how to overcome them, Top 5 Benefits of Marriage Counseling Before Divorce. Another way of dealing is asking for help when needed even though my husband does not always understand how best to provide me with support in situations where his actions might make things worse rather than better. I dont know the future. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. They also can have the ability to gin up lots of sociability for short periods of time (like going on dates) but then their true colors show at home. I intuitively knew he could not regulate his emotions. He is highly intelligent, holds a Ph.D., has held admirable employment and in many ways is shockingly gifted. 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